Journal from 2002

I stubmled across a jounral from 2002, I went through it quickly, several entries talking about that person I'm trying not to think about, several other entries that reflected the state i was in back then, i've come a long way, and honestly I dont know how I did, thank god I did.

Anyway this is one of the rare pre-(F) things that survived till now.

I can't get my self to read it, or at least read an entry from begining to end, they are just too painful, but if i finally get myself to read one, i'm going to publish it here, but i guess i have to find some entry that isn't that revealing or that humiliating(most of them are) just to avoid having the wrong people reading it, I can only think of one person i'd have shared these entries with, and unfortunatly that person doesn't exist anymore.

FYI:
-it covers 29-1-2002 to 29-10-2002
-it has what must be at LEAST 120 entries
-i can't get my self to read a single entry from start to end as they are way too painful
-the first entry in the notebook is about how i precieve myself, surprisingly nothing has changed in this area

I dont believe in democracy!!

I don't believe in democracy and never did, democracy is the perfect way to get uneducated, underprivileged and even mentally challenged people to decide for people who actually spent some effort to become better people by studying or investing (in themselves or in society).

the effect of mob mentality usually takes priority for any decision made by uneducated groups, or even slightly educated ones. even if we ignore the "mob mentality" factor, educated/cultured/smart people usually represent a small percentage of any community, however in developed nations (like the Scandinavians) the average is closer to the top than it is to the bottom, on the other hand in developing countries it's the exact opposite. it is in fact the duty of the elite to guide the nation, to help those less fortunate people into becoming all that they can be, manage their resources and even stopping them from hurting them selves.

Another factor is the minimum amount of income for a person to be able to make an unbiased decision, personally I don't think anybody can make a valid decision on an empty stomach, I know I can't, not to mention if other family members were starving as well. I believe that such a person can be easily tempted by promises or even worse money!

as an educated person I refuse to have an undereducated/un cultured person to take decisions for me, I however don't mind to have my decision influenced by their needs and aspirations, as it is my responsibility as well as their right.

A counter argument would be that the decisions should be made by the masses, and as time goes by these masses will develop a conscious and slowly but surely someday they'll be mature enough to take decisions. I totally agree to this point but I don't believe that the so called masses will move in that direction, I'm sure that they'll try to fulfill their basic needs (which is not wrong) then they are going to work really hard to make sure they'll never be hungry again (through ethical or an unethical acts), thus guiding the less fortunate in the wrong direction.

Another counter argument will be that only the educated/ cultured people would run for official positions, I totally disagree, I think a ghetto drug lord can easily finance such a thing, or in upper Egypt the family with the biggest influence can easily get someone into the people's assembly, and thus making my decisions for me.

I may come out as an elitist, which I actually am, how come when any of us needs a doctor or an engineer he searches for the one with the best education/ experience i.e. the elite, but yet again we can't bare the idea of having them rule us.

The district I'm living in, being one of Cairo's suburbs is filled with constructions workers who actually reside in the area, if a naive form of democracy was implemented, and the people living in this area were allowed to make every single decision can you imagine how life would be.

another example imagine if we apply democracy in religion, and voted on every single aspect, or rather every single interpretation of the religion, can you imagine what would happen if the masses got that privilege (personally I know I'm not able to make such decisions).

I'm working in a team, the team has freshly hired people as well as slightly more experienced ones, we make all the decisions that/which affect the team through voting, and as a result we make a lot of really stupid decisions based on the fact that the new comers are more or less naive and easily manipulated, and as a result we wind up making the same mistakes over and over again, every time we get a new batch of new comers. most probably this is what got me to write this piece first place.

Meaningless Post

I can't put into words what I'm feeling now, I can go on and on and on, circling what I'm actually feeling yet totally failing at doing it.

Writing rules usually states that the first sentence in the paragraph should sum up what you'll be saying in the rest of it, but i dont think writing rules applies to what I'm feeling now, or let me put it this way I dont think I'm in the state of mind that would allow me to remember rather than follow rules.

as you saw I wasted an entire paragraph talking about rules that I'm not going to follow rather than actually talking about how I actually feel, thats what I meant when I said I'll just keep on going in circles around what I'm feeling rather than addressing it directly.

I think my main problem now that I actually know who is reading my blog I can't write as freely as I used to, or maybe I'm just making execuses, I miss N!

Another depressed depressing entry

Im totally lost, this time last year I had my targets and I was on track toward achieving them, now I'm going in circles sleeping eating working and going out.

I guess Finding new ways to fail isn't that easy any longer.

Right now I'm doing this job that pays great but is too simple and on the long run would kill my career not to mention that everyday I feel like I'm wasting my potential, wasting my god given gifts. Everyday I feel like I'm betraying my self and everything I used to stand for, but being such an easy job that pays so much I find it close to impossible for me to quit.

I often think about my university friends and how they are all doing their masters these days in England as a matter of fact most of the people I know are doing their masters, of course I failed miserably at that, I can't help to think how my career pales in comparison to theirs on the long run. Back when we were in the same class I used to be the first person to ask when they were stuck...and know I'm so far behind I can't find words to describe it.

I trust god and know for sure I'm only acting out his commands however and eventhough I'm trying I can't get my self to accept this fate without loathing my self.

Babel

I watched babel like 15 times in the last few days, and every time I do I discover more about it and about myself, the movie is basically about loneliness in its various forms, loneliness as a feeling as well as a reality.

It moved me to say the least, especially the Japanese bit, how lonely that girl was even among friends, how she used sex to compensate for her loneliness just to fail miserably.

Night Shift

My ability to concentrate has been severly impared, I just finished a slightly longer than usual night shift, and now i just can't concentrate, i can't focus on anything long enough to get anywhere, i find my self straying into other things, then other things, then yet other things, endlessly and aimlessly. i can't count the number of times i froze and wondered what i was just thinking about, recalling nothing but how important it was, many times i find my self doing something for reasons i fail to remember.

To write this i had to turn all the lights off, and use all the brains i have left to concentrate on what i'm doing, and yet i strayed once or twice into other things.

I think the night shifts are finally starting to have its toll on me.

Old E-Mails

I came across an email conversation today that broke my heart, I can't believe how stupid I was, rejecting her for the sake of being "right", and in the end that "right" turned out to be wrong, and in the end I lost her, lost my self and my future.

here are some of the parts that moved me the most
"So this guy Badr, broke my heart really, my heart was broken two times, one was because of my father and he disappointed me and the other was Badr."

-or-

"Your helplessness is the only thing that has me quiet now, i am just going to wait for this clutch on my heart and stomach, just fades or just clutches on harder to the point of numbness"

At least she didnt up with me, for that I thank God, I know she has a better potential to be happy with anybody else other than me.